PHOENIX, FICTIONAL ARIZONA — A man claiming to be from the year 2087 turned himself in to local authorities Wednesday after becoming visibly distraught at a Circle K.
"I studied your era extensively," said the man, who identified himself only as "Xylar." "I was prepared for climate collapse, AI overlords, and the return of low-rise jeans. I was not prepared for a vending machine that accepts neither my wrinkled five-dollar bill nor my sincere emotional plea."
Xylar described 2087 as "fine, actually" and said he traveled back specifically to warn humanity about "the real threat: snack infrastructure that hasn't been updated since 1994."
When offered a bag of chips from behind the counter, Xylar reportedly whispered, "So the machines are decorative" and sat on the curb for forty minutes.
Scientists have not verified his claims but agree the ice cream machine is, quote, "always broken."